On February 11th, 2013 Pope Benedict XVI announced that he was resigning his position as head of the Catholic church at 8 PM Rome time on February 28th.

Also that day Aaron                   learned of Pope Benedict’s decision to step down and he did what any twenty-something Catholic would do, he took straight to the internet to voice his opinion.

“ We are getting a new Pope. His excellency has retired! I guess I should rustle up my résumé for the College of Cardinals.”

His friends debated over whether he was qualified or even eligible. The final conclusion was that as a Catholic male, Aaron was in fact eligible — at least according to Aaron –.but entirely unqualified — according to everyone that bothered to respond.

But skepticism has never stopped Aaron in the past, he already (barely) holds a job that he is entirely unqualified for. What’s the worst thing that could happen, he said? So he sat down and wrote a resume.

What are Aaron’s qualifications you might be asking? He has a wide spectrum of work experience includeing this particular gem.

“BRAND PROMOTER, THE BAR — 1988- PRESENT 

People are constantly buying what I drink at the bar. I think helping to sell a religion’s brand of doctrine can’t be much different. Look, everyone judges Natty Ice. That’s why I drink Miller High Life. I answer to a higher calling.Let me help the Catholic Church do the same”

How do you top that you might be asking yourself? With a skillset like this.

“Makes a hell of an Ole Fashioned. Once ate a DiGorno Frozen Pizza while it was still frozen. All animals adore him a la St. Francis, but not a sissy. Speaks 21 different accents. Speaks 3 different languages. Once ate raw bacon . . . Can open a beer bottle with his teeth. Can bless the sick. Can heal the blind. Can make it to a titty bar by last call.”

And if the College of Cardinals are still interested.

“REFERRALS

Upon Request”