The Office of the Future Pope, Aaron ——— would like to officially comment on the events that occurred on the night of February 14th and the early morning of February 15th. Although details are still coming to light, the Future Pope would like that set the record straight. Although he had previously stated that he quote, “[Intended on] cleaning up like Chris Christie,” the Future Pope made no inappropriate advances on any despondent women. In fact Aaron ——– designated himself as the sacrificial lamb of the night or more commonly referred to as the wingman for his buddy Dallas.
The recollections of the events that transpired vary depending on the source, but the predominate opinion is that the Future Pope was justified in clotheslining a female bar patron.
According to the Future Pope, Dallas approached an attractive female hoping to garner her attention and perhaps receive her phone number. Unfortunately said “hotty” had a large female companion with her coincidently also named Aaron (to avoid confusion she will be referred to for the rest of this press release as “female incarnation of Refrigerator Perry” or “Dorm Room Fridge”). At some point Dallas and the Future Pope split up, with Dallas spending his time talking to the “hotty” and the “Dorm Room Fridge” while Aaron decided to get his either eleventh or thirteenth beer at the bar (he was certain that it was an odd number but unsure what number it was). When the Future Pope returned from the bar he noticed the “hotty” off on her own, talking on her phone as Dallas was stuck talking to the “Not-quite full sized Fridge”. And then suddenly for reasons currently unknown the “female incarnation of Refrigerator Perry” grabbed Dallas in a Bear hug and lifted him up off the ground. According to sources, “It looked like a dog grabbing a stuffed animal; thrashing and tossing it about.”
Fearing that Dallas might die of asphyxiation, Aaron reacted with his divine instincts and charged forward to defend his friend. Although the details are still sketchy at best, one account referred to it as a, “[possibly] divine Ultimate Warrior lunging toward a fridge size ‘woman’ with a clothesline so fearsome that it could possibly knock out Jesus.” Another source said that his mind was blown by the fact that he saw, “an unstoppable force, meet an immovable object and the unstoppable force win.”
The Future Pope asks for everyone to please pray for his right forearm.
It is a bit tender today.